Why Are We So Lonely?

Making friends as an adult is weird.

One thing I’ve learned from the mostly female followers of Sweatpants & Coffee is that we are LONELY.

It doesn’t matter what stage of life. There are women dealing with divorce, illness, empty nest, caregiving, etc. Some are just in an anxious, depressed place. Some have been so hurt they’re reluctant to open up to anyone except strangers on a screen.

So, I went exploring to see what options there might be for women, particularly, to find friendship. I happened to be on Facebook, which I know is now regarded as a dinosaur. I think of it as one of the cool ones like giganotosaurus. What can I say? I’m a Gen Xer and that’s where my people are. Not on Tic Tac. Kidding, I know what it’s called. I just like to make my kid roll her eyes.

Anyhoo.

I found groups a-plenty for women seeking friendship. This will be nice, I thought.

Have I ever mentioned that I went to an all-girl Catholic school as a child? This was like that, but with middle-aged women. Someone was always “LEAVING THIS GROUP!” They were tired of being attacked. Or they were tired of being attacked for attacking someone else. They were annoyed by the older women, especially, who posted photos of themselves that had been filtered. Why couldn’t they just age gracefully? There were constant fights in the comments.

I tell you, I noped out of there so fast. The vibes were very parochial middle school girl.

Clearly that was not the way to make real friends. I believe all of those squabbling women were looking for connection, but no one seemed to know exactly how.

It’s hard and weird to find yourself in the metaphorical cafeteria with no open tables and no friends who have the same lunch period as you. I may or may not have extensive experience in this area, but I digress.

I’m fortunate. I have met amazing people online. We know about each others children and jobs and pets. The internet creates a kind of shorthand where you can quickly get to the meaningful stuff. “Hi, I’m Nanea. I’m obsessed with New Girl.” I seriously met one of my dearest friends in a TV fan group. I met another on Pinterest. It can happen, but there has to be a willingness to share, to be interested, and to offer grace because it’s easy to read things the wrong way. I want other people to have the opportunities that I have had to make real friends.

So, I’m making a blanketfort for all of us who want a kind place to gather on my brand spankin’ new website. More about that and how to join in my next post. I’m not trying to be a tease, I’m just technologically challenged.

I know what it is to want desperately for friendship. I still feel that as an adult. I know what it’s like to be bursting with all kinds of things I wish I could share with a kindred, and to want to be that kindred for someone else. I know what it’s like to stand on the sidelines, not knowing how to join in. That’s why I’m building this community. It’ll be membership-based in order to ensure the best, troll-free interactions.

Dude, I’m so excited about this.

Also, I’m like: What if no one shows up? What if you’re a colossal dork?

Answers: 1) Obviously you go sneak your lunch into the library which is your second home and snarf your sandwich sneakily in one of the study carrels. I speak allegorically, of course. (Using words like allegorically, btw, will get your butt beat in the school bathroom. Or so I hear. 2) You ARE a colossal dork, Nanea. Embrace it.

I am embracing it. I hope some of you will, too. You won’t have to hide in the library, there will be lots of places to sit. I can’t wait.

Love,